I thought I’d start a blog but where do I start?......
Well I’ll start at the beginning.
Anxiety just kind of crept up on me and slapped me right in the face.
I wasn’t prepared for the chest pains, the sweats, the heart palpations, constant shaking, the feeling like I wasn’t safe and the sudden urge to run back into my car!
It came out of nowhere. I couldn’t explain it and sometimes I still can’t!
It was during the first full lockdown, I hadn’t been anywhere from March to July. My car sat there doing nothing, to the point my battery had to be replaced!
I walked everyday to the little place I like to call my safe haven! My office and that was the only place I went.
Chris did our food shop, he adapted to the new normal quite quickly, I wouldn’t go anywhere but the office.
I needed items for the office but I had started getting nervous about the thought of going to B&M (something I usually wouldn’t think twice about) so Chris suggested we go together just us two.
That day I masked up, Chris drove us and as we were getting closer, I started sweating. We sat in the car watching people queue up and go in socially distanced, we did that until I felt ready to go in.
We got out of the car, queued up together, Chris holding my hand and squeezing it to remind me he is there. We get to the front of the doors and I froze. I wanted to run for the car, my whole body shaking, tears streaming down my cheeks, heart pounding.
Chris telling me I can do it. So still holding hands, We went in...... Together!
That was the first day I noticed Anxiety!
As the weeks went on my Anxiety levels grew!
There was one day that sticks out the most.
I had hardly slept the night before so was running on very little sleep, I was just trying to get on with my day the best I could until I snapped. I felt like a failure, like I had let everyone down, felt like a rubbish mum as Charlie just constantly screamed the house down no matter what I did. I had had enough!
Crying, not sleeping, erratic behaviour, emotional (not just from raging hormones)
Something inside of me told me I needed help, I needed to reach out and speak up!
So I did, I rang the doctors.
In that phone call I cried my heart out down the phone, told him exactly how I felt and how overwhelmed I was.
I have never felt suicidal, I am lucky in that aspect.
My kids are the one thing that keeps me going!
They give me my drive in life!
The very thought of something happening to me and leaving them behind reduces me to tears!
I have too much to live for!
I have started noticing the signs more and more, once I notice my anxiety is getting too much, I try and remove myself from that situation to focus on me, my breathing and my mindset!
This is the reason behind the whole positivity collection!
Ive started changing my mindset and taking more time out for myself to focus on self care, reading positivity books and relaxing at night.
And If me talking about my daily struggles helps just one person to speak out then I have succeeded!
Anxiety will never win!